Lion's Roar

Sometimes things just suck.

     Whoever said, "What doesn't kill you makes, you stronger," probably wasn't dealing with an exhausting disease that has a shelf life of maybe four years, give or take...depending on diagnosis and treatment. I don't know who said this, they could have been dealing with something much worse then I have been in the past 5 years (3 years since I have been diagnosed, about).

I have asked, "why me?" countless times. 

     I have given in to the pure gutless emotion of 'being sick' and having people 'feel sorry' for me. It's not something I am willingly admitting to. Not something I ever thought I would openly admit. But, why bother to write about having Pots Syndrome at all if I am not willing to talk about everything when it comes to dealing with this 'invisible disease?!'
     As a junior or senior in high school if asked where I thought I would be at 23/24, I would have answered: likely graduated from college, out on my own with a job, in a relationship/engaged. Thinking about a wedding, family, house, and pets. 
     Instead, I am taking a semester off school because I am concentrating on my health. School is really hard for me because it is exhausting. It's hard to describe 'energy' because I haven't felt true, natural energy in so long. The brain fog is another issue. I am constantly struggling with memory and simple fact retention. I constantly feel like I am in a 'fog/daze.' It becomes apparent when talking with me on a daily basis, not something I am proud of. Have yet to graduate, like I had hoped to at this age in high school.
     As for a job, I am not officially working, outside of my etsy shop, and small things I do for others. I don't have the energy to. I am blessed with amazing parents, who are extremely supportive and understanding. Even tho, I know even they get irritated because my progress is minuet, and even stagnate at times. In fact, it is hard to tell I am making progress at healing at all, unless you evaluate how bad my condition was three years ago, to how I am doing now. All of this has been so hard on them, I wish I could do better, just for them. Parents should never have to see their child sick, especially like this.
     When people ask me how I am doing I always try to fluff up my recovery and make my progress sound like all goodies and gum drops. I don't want people to feel bad for me. When the truth is, I am struggling. Being sick sucks. That's just the truth...but when people ask how I am doing in a social situation, they aren't really asking to hear about how I am. For instance, how sick my medication makes me, how I get migraines all the time, or how I am allergic to everything, so my treatment gets messed up because I can't take the correct pills. Really, who wants to hear that? They are asking to hear about how I am getting better.
     Some may say I am callus. Fine. My view of life has changed a lot in the past couple years. Others may say this doesn't sound like me at all. It's probably because I am having an 'off' night. But, the feelings are true.
     Everyone struggles with things. I have struggled with this for a long time. Tonight, I found the courage to write it all down.

To the Lion's Roar,

K

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